What actually happens at a women's retreat

The first thing I notice when women arrive is the shoulders. Almost every woman walks in carrying them somewhere near her ears, like she's not quite sure she's allowed to be here. Some of them make a joke. Something like: I don't really know what I signed up for. (I always think: good. That's actually the right headspace to arrive in.)

What happens over the course of a retreat varies depending on the format, the venue, the group. But after running 120+ circles and retreats, there are things that are remarkably consistent, regardless of who's in the room.

The first few hours

The first few hours are mostly internal arrival. The nervous system takes a while to register that it's actually allowed to stop, and women arrive with their usual pace still running, checking phones, being efficient, doing all the things they were doing an hour before they got here. This is normal. It's what chronic output mode looks like from the inside.

Then we move

Into the body first (yoga, qi gong, breathwork, whatever the day calls for). Stephen Porges, who developed polyvagal theory, showed that the nervous system needs physical evidence of safety before it can access real connection. You can't think your way into feeling safe. The body has to believe it first, and trying to have a real conversation before it does is a bit like trying to have a real conversation in a fire drill.

By the time we sit in circle for the first time, something has usually already shifted (not equally, not for everyone), but the quality of attention in the room is different from what it was at arrival.

Strangers, briefly

This is the part that surprises most women. A room full of strangers becomes something different, very quickly, once there's a structure for real conversation, and I bring together women from all kinds of backgrounds and ages, women who might never have crossed paths outside this context. Every single time, what they find they have in common is more than what separates them.

There's a word from anthropology for what happens between strangers in a shared liminal space. Victor Turner called it communitas, this quality of connection that emerges when people briefly step outside their ordinary roles. I didn't know that word the first time I witnessed it. I just noticed: something real is happening here.

Making things for no reason

Adults don't make things for no reason very often, and the retreat gives them permission to. What comes out surprises them. Occasionally it surprises me, too.

Then there's the food and the quiet and the walking and the sleep. Women who have spent years producing output find the direction reversing. Someone feeds them. They wake without an alarm.

By the end of day two (or hour three, for a day retreat), most women look different. Something stopped happening for long enough that they could feel where they actually were.

What I can say is that it's rarely what she thought she was coming for.

If you're sitting with the tab open, wondering whether to book: the hesitation is normal. About half the room arrives solo, and the retreat is designed for that.