How to actually listen to your body, when you've spent years ignoring it

Most women I work with can tell me, with great precision, what their inbox needs. They can read a child's mood in three seconds. They know which colleague is upset before the colleague does. They are extraordinary at listening, just not to themselves.

Ask the same woman what her body is asking for right now and she goes blank. Or she answers from her head. Coffee. Sleep. A holiday. The body has not been allowed to speak directly for a long time, so it has gone quiet, the way anyone goes quiet when no one listens.

Why we stopped listening

Most of us were trained out of our bodies very young. Eat when the schedule says, not when you're hungry. Sit still even though you need to move. Smile when you don't feel like smiling. Push through the period pain. Don't make a fuss.

Over time the body learns there is no point sending signals because no one is going to act on them. So it sends them quieter, then quieter, until you genuinely cannot feel hunger, exhaustion, sadness or arousal until they are at emergency volume.

By then, the only thing the body knows how to do is collapse. That collapse is often the first time a woman is forced to listen.

What listening actually looks like

Listening to your body is not mystical. It is not a five-day silent retreat. It is small, repeated, unsexy moments of attention.

It is pausing before you answer yes to something, long enough to notice whether your chest contracts or opens. It is putting your hand on your belly before bed and asking what kind of day it had. It is noticing that your shoulders crawl up to your ears every time you open a particular app, and respecting that information.

It is not the body talking in sentences. It is the body talking in sensation, in colour, in temperature, in tightness, in tears, in yawns. You learn the dialect slowly.

Three small practices to begin with

One. The morning check-in

Before you reach for the phone, take three slow breaths and ask one question. How are you, body. Wait. Whatever arrives, take it seriously. If it's heavy, soften the day where you can. If it's bright, let yourself meet it.

Two. The before-yes pause

Next time someone asks you for something, count to three before answering. In those three seconds, scan your chest, your belly, your throat. If your body says no and your mouth says yes anyway, notice it without judgement. Just notice. Awareness comes before change.

Three. The end-of-day unload

Before sleep, put one hand on your heart and one on your belly. Ask, what do you need me to know. Let images, words or feelings come without editing them. You don't have to act on anything tonight. You're just reopening the line.

When you need more than a practice

Solo practices help. There comes a point, for most women, where the body is asking for ongoing community, not just a moment of attention. Somewhere to keep practising. A monthly room where you are reminded, again and again, that your sensations matter and your knowing is valid.

If you'd like a regular room to keep doing this work, you can join The Inner Circle here.

Your body is not the problem to manage. It is the wisest part of you. Start with three breaths.